The Journey of a Thousand Miles
by invisible pawprint
Summary: The long standing friendship between Raj and Howard might just lead to something more. Chapter 4 now up. Thanks for the reviews!
1. Sheldon

**A Journey of a Thousand Miles**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters and I make no profit from this.

**Note: **Each chapter will be from a different character's point of view. I'd really appreciate any reviews telling me if this works or not, please.

**Sheldon**

After a long day in the office, for Sheldon and Raj, Sheldon's whiteboards were criss-crossed with hard won equations drawn, after a long battle, from a demanding theory. In other words, all was as it should be. Science was a harsh taskmaster and all who failed to observe the rigorous mental discipline it demanded were no true adherents to its cause. No-one else seemed to really _understand _that. It was the whole problem he'd had with his sister's guinea pig and the CAT scanner all over again. His assistant sat slumped over the desk, obviously requiring further training in order to achieve the limited greatness of which he was capable. With this in mind, Sheldon clapped his hands to call Koothrappali back to work. It was nearly seven in the evening but he was sure that one further session would locate a particularly irritating missing electron. He missed his whistle, which he had used so successfully in the Arctic to mark the periods of work and rest, but his next door neighbours along the corridor had started thumping on the walls. He clapped again, coughed, tapped his foot, and looked pointedly down at his assistant. Raj looked up and levered himself to his feet.

'Sorry Sheldon, I've got to go. I promised to get coffee at seven. I'll see you for dinner.'

He began to gather his belongings which had been distributed inefficiently around the room. Sheldon was stunned. |He felt his heartbeat speeding up a little and touched the edge of his whiteboard to give him strength in a changing world.

'But tonight is hamburger night at the Cheesecake Factory! We do not go for coffee because it is a stimulant which mocks the noble condition of the human soul and causes me to impersonate the Flash. Also, I promised my mother.'

'No', Raj corrected. 'You remember how I had to put out feelers for more friends after my parents tried to marry me off and all you three, especially Howard, could do was say that it was like _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_? My life was in ruins and all you three could do was talk about how it spoke to you on a cultural level. And later _you_ dumped me for Kripke because you thought you had too many friends? I started to say hello to David-who-was-next-door-to-me here and now I'm going for coffee with David and Zhang from my old corridor. I'll see you later.'

Sheldon stared at him in incomprehension.

'My mother always says that the journey of a thousand miles starts with small step', Raj added solemnly.

Sheldon continued to stare.

'You wish to partake of a mind-altering substance in a social context in the presence of individuals whose psychologies and physiologies are unknown to you?'

'Sheldon, I'm just going for a coffee with friends.'

'But what will it lead to? You never know with coffee.' He considered the hour before hamburger time. 'Will Wolowitz be going with you in case this "coffee" leads to conversing with women?'

Raj shook his head. 'It's just an astrophysics coffee party tonight.' He started to grin widely. 'I made it - I talked to other people and I found more friends! Give me an A! Give me a S! Give me a T! Give me an R! Give me an O...'

Sheldon stared at him in agonised incomprehension. 'Why would you need to be given these letters?'

Raj's wide grin faded. 'Never mind, Sheldon. Anyway, I don't need Howard to hold my hand. it's just us veterans of the end of the old fourth corridor on the right after the drinking fountain before they expanded the laser clean rooms. We were thinking of callling ourselves the V. O. T. O. F. C. O. T. R. A. T. D. F's or the Votocotradef's. 'Go Team Voto!' What do you think?'

'I prefer "Team Sheldon".

Raj sighed. 'Well, I'll see you later, teammate.'

Sheldon began to calculate whether or not they would.

------------------

At the Cheesecake Factory that evening, Sheldon decided that it would be prudent to bring up the subject of stranger danger. If Raj intended to add to their social circle, if only indirectly, the risks should be assessed, evaluated, and, if possible, a statement signed by all concerned to prove that they were aware of the potential dangers. Leonard, insufferably cheerful since the establishment of an official relationship with Penny, only grinned and congratulated Raj for looking for extra friends. Wolowitz, by contrast, judging by the manner in which he half turned away from Koothrappali, looking back at him over his right shoulder and therefore employing the right, the emotional, hemisphere of his brain, appeared jealous. Of course, he may have spotted an attractive girl in his left peripheral vision and was trying not to seem over eager. It was always hard to tell with Howard.

'So', he was saying to Raj. 'You've found new friends. Huh! Well, what if next time you meet them, there's a woman?'

'Like who?'

'Like...like Leslie'. Howard seemed to choke up for a second. Sheldon tensed for a moment but fortunately Howard didn't launch into a repeat of the embarrassingly tearful breakdown that had resulted from the end of their brief relationship. Raj gripped his shoulder sympathetically, even as Sheldon rewarded the relative emotional constraint with the comforting words that Leslie was not, technically, a woman, being best thought of as a super villain in waiting, or more specifically, a particularly short Dr Octopus whose tentacles of doom stretched over the entire physics department. Howard smiled slightly and Sheldon congratulated himself on his ability to help his friends. Raj let go of Howard's shoulder.

'You know', Raj explained to the group. 'I just felt that I needed to know more people. My parents have more of a social life than I do. I come to America and all I can say is that I have three friends. There's a whole world out there.'

'Yeah' said Howard dubiously, 'but you can't talk to the half of it which has breasts.'

'That's still fifty percent! That's billions.'

Sheldon attempted to insert a note of sanity into the conversation: 'Personally, I consider four to be more than sufficient to satisfy the human requirement for social contact.'

'Maybe they know girls...girls who like to party.' Howard looked hopeful.

'Oh typical. That's all you're interested in. Those last joggers you chased through the park didn't want to go to a party with us. Anyway, I only met some friends for coffee.

'Good for _you_, Raj!'

Raj froze. His shoulders hunched and clenched inwards, his eyes went down to the table. He leaned towards Howard to pass on a shy whisper of 'hello' to Penny. Howard leaned away, turning the full force of a mega-watt smile upon Penny and complimenting her upon her beauty in fluent Klingon. Raj looked around desperately and to Sheldon's horror, tugged at his shoulder, drawing him across the table. He hissed: 'Tell him that if wants to compliment Penny in Klingon, he needs to say that she has lovely brow-ridges. And say hello to her!' Sheldon looked around in confusion, decided that both halves of the message were bound by an implied privacy contract, and stooped down towards Leonard. Penny sighed and looked around at the busy restaurant. 'I'll come back later when you're ready to order.' Before Sheldon could assert that _his_ order never changed, she had headed over to another table. Leonard glared at Sheldon. Sheldon calculated the inefficiency of Penny's system. Raj glared at Howard.

'Why didn't you talk for me?' he demanded.

'I didn't think you needed me.' Howard snapped. 'Since you're stretching out socially.'

'Only to men! I mean, only to men to talk! And women. But I need something to drink. Come on, dude, you know it's called selective mutism and it's a recognised medical disorder.'

Howard relented. 'I could show you how to sneak vodka into your coffee', he offered. He grinned suddenly. 'Hey...you wanna meet new people? My Ma's going to have, like, four of her old school friends over next week. They all moved away across state to escape her but now they're getting on a bit I guess they forgot. I have to drive out at the weekend and pick Mrs C up. You can come with me! Then you can come and say hi to everyone at my place. If meeting crazy old ladies doesn't get you ready for making new friends anywhere you can find them, I don't know what will. Meat-free pizza for you tonight?

Raj shook his head firmly. 'No way, dude!'

'Barbeque feast? Four cheese? Hawaiian?'

'You know you can always stay over at my place if you need to escape but I have enough childhood traumas from my own mothers' friends.' He was silent for a moment before adding darkly, 'they were all cheek-pinchers. '

'Hey, at least none of them still tell you look twelve.'

'Why do you have to drive across state to fetch her anyway? You said that we were going to go to that special exhibition of Indian art at the museum at the weekend and we could go and pick up the smart girls.'

Howard shifted uncomfortably. 'Yeah, sorry man. I know; smart calls to smart, right? We'd have been kings. But I have to go and pick her up because Ma found those cartoons I drew of that story Sheldon told us about trying to make a griffin. It was that or, like, die.'

'Raj wasn't there when Sheldon was telling it.' Leonard put in. 'That was the point of trying to make a griffin.'

'Yeah, I told him it later.'

'He acted it out.' Raj grinned mischievously.

Leonard choked on his drink and snorted with laughter. Howard squirmed.

Sheldon swiftly reviewed the local history of relationships. 'I blame you, Leonard. Four is the perfect number for equitable human contact. You _remember _the problems we had with the dumpling order when Wolowitz was seeing Penny's friend, Krissy. You chose to bring Penny into the group, thus disturbing the balance. You began this process. And now Koothrappali wants to acquire additional social contacts. Any more 'friends' and the delicate balance will dissolve into an un-unravellable series of close encounters and confused connections best mapped using not established social paradigms but chaos theory.'

'Life's a mystery, buddy.'

'With that attitude it's no wonder you were twenty-four by the time you got your PhD.'


	2. Leonard

**Leonard**

By the end of the working day in the middle of the next week the air was stormy. Leonard had sensed it coming. Raj had taken to meeting not two but six other astrophysicists for coffee every other day and Sheldon, fast approaching a state of meltdown, had set up a brand new whiteboard in order to map the increasingly complex friendship algorithms. Leonard remembered his mother doing the same thing after his father had begun a new job. It wasn't really a bad memory - Leonard had learned his first algorithms off that board, but the all same signs of imminent aggressive paper publishing were there. Howard was another problem entirely. He had taken to turning up at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment on those days, armed with a bag of groceries and a fresh set of jokes from internet sites. Penny had threatened to go and visit her family. Actually, the impressions had been pretty funny, but the brisket in curry had been a never to be repeated experience. At least, not one that Leonard and Penny ever hoped to repeat. Mrs Vartebedian had put forward some strong views on the subject too. Leonard hadn't realised that cooking smells could penetrate so far down the building. Last week, he and Penny had been able to escape early after work and wander hand in hand around Pasadena. Penny had brought him some new pairs of warm socks and he had found her the last jar of the coffee she particularly liked, tucked at the back of the shelf when they had brought their groceries together. On another night they had sat together in Starbucks for an hour and designed the perfect shoe from both a structural and an aesthetic point of view. The winter rain had set in now, though, unfortunately, building up to regular storms which drenched the city and putting an end to the wandering. Still, tonight was HALO night; a chance for the four of them to be together as normal again. At least, Leonard hoped that it would. Lunch had been a bit of a disaster.

At lunch they had sorted out the plans for the evening. Howard had a collaboration meeting up at the NASA labs in the early evening and Raj was meeting his other friends again and then joining his grandparents' wedding anniversary party via the webcam, but they were both coming around for eight. Zhang had wandered over to say hello to Raj. Leonard recognized him vaguely from department meetings. The noise of the rain hitting the windows startled them all for a moment and drowned out the usual hum of the cafeteria and Howard had begged Leonard for a lift up to the labs in the evening, elaborating upon the discomfort of wearing _those _pants soaking wet. Zhang had blushed furiously and scuttled off and Raj had snapped at Howard for embarrassing him in front of his friends. For the first time that Leonard could remember, Howard had sworn at Raj and then leaped to his feet. Many times Howard had sprung up with a combative cry of 'right!' and each time Leonard had told him to sit back down. It had worked infallibly; Howard's anger never lasted more than a few seconds and Sheldon's fear of arguments never had a chance to surface. At lunch that day Leonard had found himself staring at Howard speechlessly. There was an awkward silence and Howard had hurried out of the cafeteria. Leonard had had to give his full attention to trying to calm Sheldon down and Raj had slumped on the table, head in his hands. By the time that Sheldon was busy reading a paper that Leonard had found in his bag, Raj had run out to look for Howard. Later on, both their friends had texted to say that HALO night was still on so the problem seemed to have been solved. Giving half an ear to Sheldon's theory of time travel effects causing ripples of instability within friendship groups, Leonard drove home.

Eight o'clock came and Leonard, Sheldon and Raj were settled in place, controllers at the ready. Eight o'clock and one minute came and there was still no sign of Howard. Leonard wondered out loud if he was alright. Raj wondered if he had abandoned them because of the incident at lunch. Sheldon wondered if they were ever going to begin HALO. Five minutes passed and Leonard and Raj chewed their nails. Sheldon re-worked the friendship formulas on his whiteboard to factor in deliberate HALO lateness. As time passed, Raj grew close to tears with guilt.

'I pushed him out of my life! Its karma, I'm telling you. I only wanted to have a few friends to talk to at group meetings so I wouldn't have to hide behind the pot plants when the women come in.'

'Eight _nineteen _and counting.'

'Do you think I should, maybe, call his home, and see if he's there? Really, the pot plants?'

'I'll be reborn as a banana slug for this!'

There was a knocking at the door and Raj jumped up, hurrying over. When he froze and retreated silently into the room, Leonard knew, without being able to see over Raj's shoulder, that it was Penny.

'Hey sweetie. Hey Sheldon. Hey Raj. What's up? No HALO tonight? I was lookin' forward to having a bit of a shoot-out with you guys when you took a break.'

Leonard kissed her. Raj gave her a worried smile and continued to stare hopefully at the door. Sheldon bridled at the inaccuracy.

'Good evening, Penny. First of all, as you should know, one does not have "a bit of a break" from HALO; all interactions within the game are built into a complex matrix and the plot line of the game itself. And secondly, no-one is having a "shoot out" at all as our fourth player is missing, despite the fact that it is now eight twenty and thirteen seconds precisely.

Penny looked around. 'Oh yeah, I thought the room seemed a bit less colourful. '

Behind her, Raj nodded emphatically.

'So where's he hiding, then?'

Leonard shrugged. 'No-one knows. He had a meeting at the NASA labs at five but that's only six miles away. He should have been back ages ago. Do you think it's the traffic? The rain's really bad tonight; I heard there were some accidents and the traffic's crawling on the freeway.'

'I know. It's bad all over town; I just got back from work and my shift finished three quarters of an hour ago.'

Leonard hugged her tightly. 'I'll make you a coffee.'

'Thanks, sweetie.' The long drive home must have left Penny lightheaded with tiredness. She began to giggle. 'Maybe he has a girlfriend we don't know about.'

'Statistically unlikely', was Sheldon's contribution. 'Eight twenty-_one_,Leonard. '

'Calm down, buddy. Some nights you just can't plan things.'

'HALO night is not a plan, Leonard, it is an well-established social point within the week. Furthermore, it is on a Wednesday. The nights on which "anything can happen" are only specially designated "Anything Can Happen" Thursday nights. He roamed the apartment, restlessly.

Raj had gravitated to the window and was staring out into the rain-swept street. Suddenly, he turned and stared at the door.'

'We had a dog that used to do that', Sheldon announced.

'Did he wait for your Dad?'

'The local bob-cat. Good as a storm-warning. The minute that dog started staring out the window; Dad'd get his rifle out.'

In the silence that followed this comment, there were a series of heavy, dragging thumps from the stairway. Sheldon and Raj retreated to the safety of the couch. Penny leaned in close to Leonard and hissed: 'It's Mrs Vartebedian again; you heard how she walks last time!' Leonard looked around in panic for a bucket of water to throw. There were a couple of light taps on the door, and Leonard jutted his chin in the air bravely and marched forwards.

It was Howard. Leonard fell back a couple of paces in shock and Raj vaulted the arm of the couch, leaping forward. He was shivering violently, soaking wet, mud-streaked, and frighteningly pale. The right side of his face was bruised and torn, and a cut along his cheekbone had been stitched closed. His jeans had been cut open from the right knee down and the turquoise denim was dark and stiff with blood. Raj caught him up in a very careful hug, enveloping him entirely, and Howard clung to him.

Wrapping one arm around Howard's waist, Raj helped him to limp over to the couch. Leonard and Penny hovered around them in agonised uncertainty, trying to help. Sheldon retrieved Howard's back pack from the hallway. Howard flopped down onto the couch, eyes closed, right leg stretched out awkwardly, and his friends unanimously leaned in close to him, trying to offer comfort by their nearness. With Penny leaning over the back of the couch and Raj and Sheldon to each side, Leonard found himself kneeling at Howard's feet. A strange stillness fell on the group. Leonard reached out tentatively and put a hand on Howard's wrist.

'Buddy?'

The spell broke. Penny put a hand on Howard's shoulder and yelped. 'You're _freezing_! What happened to you?'

Howard opened his eyes for a moment. 'Just got out of the Emergency Room'. His voice was rough. Letting his eyes fall close again, he leaned his head back against the couch.


	3. Raj

Thank you for the reviews webuiltthepyramids,Dee, and Spite :-) It's so nice to get reviews, and they made me keep on writing this chapter. Webuiltthepyramids, thanks for saying that Sheldon sounds right!

I'm sorry about the delay posting this; the internet went down and it just came back up.

I've changed the rating to M just in case. If anyone could tell me if this is too high or just right, that would be great, thanks.

**Raj**

Perched on the arm of the couch, Raj tried to slow his hammering heart rate. He had hauled Howard around many times before: to drag him away from an angry woman when Howard had again misread signs of interest, to pull him into shelter as the paintballs hailed down around them, and to hold him up after a night at a bar. It had never been like this before. At each of those times, Howard had been twisting around to try to get a better view of things, his mouth running on without his mind getting in the way, his wiry frame tense with packed down energy. Raj loved the exuberant energy and chatter but it had never before sent his heart rate racing in such a way. But this time Howard had clung to him silently, wounded and fragile, dark head buried in the hollow of Raj's shoulder, and Raj had found himself hardly able to breathe. Penny was barely a foot away, and he bit into his lip painfully as the urgency of speaking fought against his terror of speaking in such close proximity to a pretty woman. Her perfume clashed with Howard's harsher scent of blood, damp clothes, and the sterile, antiseptic smell of the E.R. As the silence lengthened, he screwed up his courage, closed his eyes tightly to put Penny out of his mind, and managed to squeak out the words, "Emergency Room?"

Penny, Sheldon, and Leonard jerked round to stare at him and Raj felt himself reddening uncontrollably. He cast his eyes down to avoid their startled looks and met Howard's gaze instead. He was looking up, silently, seeming touched, and appreciating Raj's effort. Raj gave him a small smile back.

'Yeah. Three hours in a bloody air-conditioned freezer chamber.'

He slumped forward, wrapping his arms around his body, shivering violently again.

Sheldon and Leonard jumped up, their minds running in the same way.

- 'Your core temperate has apparently dropped to a dangerous degree. I'll make you cocoa.'

- 'I'm gonna get you a blanket; you stay there.'

- 'Well where else would he go, Leonard?'

Penny, gods bless her, rested a hand on Howard's shoulder for a moment and said gently: 'Hey, I'm going to go back to my apartment. Raj can't speak when I'm around and you guys need each other.'

Raj gave her a thumbs up and a grateful smile. Penny slipped out of the door and Raj settled onto the couch beside Howard, shoulder to shoulder, trying to warm him with his own body heat, as they had in that long, frozen night in the Arctic. Howard leaned against him, wordlessly. Leonard, returning with the spare big blanket, stared down at them with a bemused expression.

'Maybe I could throw this over both of you', he offered.

Raj tried to spring apart, irrationally embarrassed, but Howard followed him, un-self-consciously curling in closer. It was like trying to avoid a persistent lap sitter of a cat. At that moment Sheldon returned from the kitchen with a hastily made mug of cocoa. Howard stretched up automatically with his right hand to take it, and Raj realised for the first time that the third and fourth fingers of his right hand had been splinted and strapped together. Leaning over, he held the hot mug unflinchingly until Howard could switch hands and get a proper grip. His guilt surged up again. _I should have driven him to the labs. This is my entire fault. _But, for the first time that night, Howard gave him a small smile.

'Thanks, Raj. Thanks, Sheldon. Thanks, Leonard.' His voice was still rough, and as he twisted awkwardly to look up at Leonard, Raj had to steady the mug again.

'Anytime, buddy. We just...just want you to be ok, you know that.' Leonard dropped the blanket around Howard's shoulders and Raj managed to lean away from his friend for long enough to wrap the blanket around him. Howard immediately curled in against Raj again.

'You're welcome, Howard', Sheldon answered formally. 'Now drink that cocoa or in approximately thirty five minutes it will go cold.'

Overwhelmed by guilt, Raj couldn't speak, but he offered a shy sideways smile.

'So what the hell _happened _to you?'

Howard sipped the cocoa and choked at the heat. 'Car turned across a red light and knocked me straight off the scooter. Bounced right off the wall and ripped my leg on that chunk of sidewalk that sticks up there, since that last ground tremor...you know? And then the scooter fell on top of me.' Raj winced, and Leonard murmured 'oww!' sympathetically.

'Childishly mimetic representations of pain such as 'oww' will not help, Leonard,' Sheldon announced.

Raj glared at him fiercely.

- 'I mean, there, there.'

Howard took another sip of the cocoa. 'So, Dr Gablehauser was passing on his way home and he called 911. But all the ambulances were tied up. Couple of busses crashed on the freeway. So, he drove me to the Emergency Room himself...and that's where I've been since. And it's raining,' he added unhappily, 'so I got soaked then and now.'

Sheldon raised a startled eyebrow. 'You could have been paralysed for life thanks to the incompetence of that man. The words "spinal injury" and "litigation" presumably failed to enter his mind.'

'Yeah, well, the words "freezing rain" and "bleeding all over the sidewalk" might have driven them out. Anyway, I'm not going to be paralysed. I can stand and walk fine; well, not fine, but I'm ok. Nothing's broken.'

'Apart from your fingers', Raj pointed out.

'Oh yeah.' Howard looked down at his hand. 'That's going to make some things difficult for a bit', he said ruefully.

'I can help you,' Raj offered.

'I don't think you'll want to help me with the things _I_ had in mind.'

'But why didn't you call us' Sheldon wanted to know. 'The time is now twenty two minutes to nine– '

Raj closed his eyes. _Don't say anything about HALO, don't say anything about HALO, don't say anything about HALO..._

'– and anyone of us, myself excepted, could have driven over and fetched you. Did you not wish to have our company?'

Howard sighed. 'Yes, Sheldon; I wanted your company.' He sat up a little and looked around. 'Uh, you got my backpack there?'

'Right here.' Leonard held it up. It rattled ominously.

'I think I got all the bits of my phone in.'

Leonard kneeled down, plunged a hand in and rooted around. 'What the hell - ?'

'Phone's broken. Laptop's broken. I had it on my back when I hit the wall.' He sighed and set the mug back on the table for a moment, shoving one hand through his hair, wearily, shivering again.

'I trust you had your data saved to an external hard drive.'

Leonard carefully rested the backpack against the couch and looked up at Howard. 'You know, you should probably grab a shower. I mean, you still look really cold. We're about the same height; you can borrow some of my clothes.'

Sheldon gasped with horror. 'Sharing clothes is an entirely unhygienic practice. I cannot believe that the two of you would contemplate this for a moment.'

Howard narrowed his eyes. 'Yeah, thanks Leonard. That would be great!'

Raj grinned. _That's the spirit, Howard! _Sheldon shook his head sadly.

'I'm just going to dig out some stuff.' Leonard headed for his bedroom. 'Uh, Raj', he called back over his shoulder. 'You should probably stay with Howard in there since he can't stand easily.'

Raj and Howard stared at each other in horror.

'Sorry, dude, but... – '

'– Yeah, I know...just let me lean on you to walk over there, yeah?'

'Sure, no problem.'

Raj jumped to his feet and Howard shook off the blanket, set one hand flat on the table and forced himself to his feet, and immediately reeled, paling rapidly. Raj wrapped both arms around him, holding him tightly against himself. Howard shook his head, looking stunned, and drew in a gasping breath.

'I'm ok; just dizzy for a second. Ok, let's go.'

Raj stooped slightly and ducked under Howard's shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist, and helped him limp across the floor. Halfway across, Howard stumbled again and moaned.

'Raj...I'm tired...I'm tired, Raj.'

'C'mon, just a bit further –'

'So tired... ' He dropped heavily to his knees. The slight body was surprisingly heavy as deadweight and he dragged Raj down with him. Howard sprawled across the floor, resting his head on Raj's leg. Torn between anxiety and affection, and trapped completely, Raj reached out cautiously and stroked Howard's hair in a way he hoped was comforting. _Maybe I should go to the gym more...I could carry him, then_. Lost in his thoughts for a second, Raj found himself strangely disappointed when Leonard and Sheldon gently drew Howard up to his feet again. They hovered in the bathroom for a while, Leonard dumping a pile of clothes and a towel in the corner and running a bath, Sheldon, the strongest of the four, helping Howard to sit down on the floor. Pretty soon, however, they left, pulling the door firmly closed behind them.

Raj dropped to the floor beside Howard and they exchanged looks.

Raj shuffled awkwardly. 'How are you feeling now?'

I'm fine. It's all fine. I just...didn't realise I was going to do that...sorry man.'

'It's ok, really.' Raj forced himself not to add: _I kind of liked it_. There was no point avoiding the obvious problem anymore and Raj took the plunge. 'You, you know you should probably take your clothes off.' Raj felt himself reddening unstoppably. He ducked his head and looked up at Howard through his eyelashes. 'I...guess I can help.' He saw Howard smirking with embarrassment and turned his head away completely, cringing inside, driving his knuckles into his palm. A hand touched his shoulder.

'Thanks, pal', said Howard gently.

Peeling off the wet layers of skin-tight clothing was another problem. Raj decided that he could become quite fond of the way Howard instinctively smoothed his ruffled hair after he dragged the green and blue turtleneck off, but the jeans were a terrible problem. In the end, Howard stretched out flat on the floor and Raj tugged the jeans off him. An embarrassed silence followed.

'Is this why you want sex so much?' Raj demanded bluntly. 'Because it's the only chance you get to get out of those pants and actually breathe?'

'Hey, no. Just...showing what's on offer. You should dress like this too.' He levered himself to his feet and stripped off the rest of his clothes, leaning on Raj's shoulder. Raj closed his eyes in embarrassment but he still instinctively reached out to support Howard, wrapping one arm around his waist. The feel of the cool skin under his hand was strangely appealing. Howard twisted in his arms and slid into the tub.

'Hey, you can look again now.'

Raj looked. He should probably have added some bath foam.

'I mean, not look, but y'know...' Howard stretched out comfortably underwater.

Raj settled onto the floor, resting his arms on the edge of the bath, deciding to just check that Howard didn't slip under water. That position was better. He fixed his eyes on his friend's face and studied him. After a few moments, he leaned forward, looking closer.

'You sure you're fine?'

Howard sat up slightly. 'Sure. I'm fine. Everything's fine. What's up?'

Raj stared at him intently, trying to remember when he had last seen the slight blotches around his friend's lips. Suddenly the realisation hit him.

'Did you have an allergic reaction while you were there?'

Howard jerked upright, sending water splashing out onto the floor, and grabbed Raj by the arms, staring at him from inches away.

'You can't tell anyone!'

Raj held onto him silently, not knowing what to say, utterly confused. Howard couldn't afford to be shy about a life threatening allergy and he never had been. Raj knew that virtually every girl Howard had ever talked to at a party for longer than five minutes knew about the peanut reaction. He had even used it for an introduction at times..._Hi! I noticed you were carefully avoiding those peanuts. We're clearly destined for each other. Howard Wolowitz. How about a kiss? _Right now, though, Howard was clinging to his shoulders, dripping warm water down Raj's shirt, shaking slightly.

'What the hell - ?'

'Leslie was there', he explained rapidly. 'That guy Mauritz in Leonard's lab, you know him; he had a bad asthma attack. She drove him up there. We were all waiting forever – two busses crashed on the freeway; the place was mad. Anyway, Mauritz had this granola bar and he split it between us. He _said _it hadn't got peanuts in but it had...' he took a deep breath, tried to slow himself down. 'So I got this bad reaction and...and Leslie _laughed _at me. She said I looked stupid!' He buried his head in Raj's neck and cried.

Raj drew him into a tight hug again, ignoring the water soaking into his sweater-vest and shirt, burning with anger at Leslie.

'You don't look stupid. You never look stupid! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to find Leslie and tell her she's a stupid woman!'

Howard lifted his head for long enough to find a dry spot on Raj's shoulder. 'You can't talk to women', he pointed out.

'I'll do it for you!'

Howard found a fresh spot on Raj's shoulder and buried his head there again. Raj felt him shake his head.

'No...she's right. I looked stupid. And you know what?' The nurse said I did it on purpose and she gave me a shot of adrenaline and sent me back out – she said I was trying to jump the queue! Like she thought I _like _not being able to breathe.' He curled up as the pain of it hit him again and sobbed into Raj's chest.

Raj freed one arm and stroked Howard's hair. For a few minutes they sat there in each others' arms. Raj murmered comforting old songs from his childhood, until he felt Howard relax again. 'You never look stupid', he repeated. 'In fact, I think you can be very attractive.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, seriously.'

Howard smiled at him, reached up, and scruffed up Raj's hair with affection.

'What would I do without you, Raj?'

Raj took a deep breath. 'The question is, what would you do _with _me?'


	4. Howard

_What would you do with me? _Mesmerised by the intensity of Raj's gaze, Howard froze, one hand still buried in his friend's hair. Unthinkingly, he dropped his voice a pitch down, and murmured, 'What _wouldn't_ I do with you?'

Raj squeaked in pleasure and for Howard, reality kicked in swiftly. He could feel the water cooling around him and was suddenly horribly conscious that he was sitting in the bath, clothes on the far side of the room, and flirting with his best friend. _What did I just say to him? _ _I'm never gonna to live this down. Maybe I could emigrate someplace, get a new name, new friends, new life. _He could feel his own heartbeat loud in his ears.

'Raj', he said cautiously, 'I didn't...I mean, we _do _do loads of things together...but I don't think you and me...' he let his words trail off, uncertain how to articulate the terrible problem. He tried again. 'You don't really think I'm _attractive _attractive, right? I mean, for a guy. _As _a guy.'

The room was so quiet that he heard Raj swallow convulsively. Unable to meet his eyes, Raj reddened, lowered his head, and nodded.

'Raj...you know I'm not... I mean, I like girls.' By now Raj seemed close to tears, unable to say a word. Howard tried again. 'You'll always be my best friend, right?'

For some reason, this made matters worse. Raj sprang to his feet and bolted for the door. _Oh shoot! No you don't, not like this..._Howard lunged after him and caught his wrist, dragged halfway out the tub as Raj towed him a couple of paces.

'C'mon Raj, stay here –'

Luckily, Raj stopped after a couple of strides, realising that Howard really wasn't going to let go of him. Howard let go of his arm with some relief and wriggled back into a comfortable position as Raj sat down on the floor on the far side of the room.

'Are you ok?' Raj stared across at the wall, seemingly determined not to look down at Howard.

'Yeah; I'm fine.' He shivered as the cool air of Leonard's apartment dried his chest and shoulders. Another wave of tiredness hit him and it would have been a relief to drop onto Raj's warm shoulder again and go to sleep.

'Throw me that towel, Raj?'

Closing his eyes completely, Raj retrieved the towel and passed it to him. Howard wrapped it around his upper body and leaned along the edge of the tub.

He sighed and forced himself to stay awake and untangle the problem. 'Raj, you can open your eyes. This is crazy – it's just me.'

Raj obediently opened his eyes.

'Ok, so... where did this come from? We've known each other for...how long? And you've never said anything like this before.'

Raj dropped his gaze and fiddled with the cuff of his shirt. 'Well, there was that night the heat went out in the Arctic...and tonight....tonight I thought...I just wanted to...hold onto you.' He made a spirited attempt at getting away again but Howard had locked an iron grip on his wrist.

'I kinda liked the holding part', he admitted, reluctantly.

For the first time since the awkward conversation had started, Raj smiled fleetingly. 'Howard, I swear, you are just like a cat.'

He grinned back, delighted that their friendship wasn't in ruins. 'You're like a dog, you know? In a good way. ' _So faithful_. The tiredness washed over him again and he lost the thread of what he was saying. 'Raj, can we...talk about this again? When we've both, y'know, slept on it.'

He rested his head on his arms and looked up at Raj. 'But maybe we could do the holding thing now?' he added hopefully.

The next few hours passed in a blur as he slipped between half-waking and sleeping. He was vaguely aware of Raj alternately coaxing and bullying him out of the bath and into Leonard's spare clothes, and later, somewhere a long way off, Sheldon complaining vociferously against a chatter of machine gun fire and raised voices, as he sprawled against Raj, trying to find a comfortable spot. He dreamed of stumbling into another room and lying down, only hearing his friends chatter quietly around him.

'_Howuuhd!' _

He snapped awake, staring blindly into space. Sheldon was shaking his shoulder, hard, holding out a cell phone which screeched his name. Unable to move for a moment, he lay still, trying to work out what was happening. Leonard and Penny were protesting about something, and the yellow and grey blur in front of him resolved itself into Raj, dancing in front of Sheldon, trying to block him.

Sheldon thrust the phone into his hand and he took it, mumbling 'Wha'?'

'_Did I teach you to answer your own mother like that? _Did I? _You say "Yes, Ma" like a good boy!'_

'Yes, Ma', he echoed obediently. Still dazed, he looked around, finally realising why the couch seemed wrong and he asked out loud, 'How'd I end up at Penny's?'

The screeching reached an unearthly pitch and he held the phone at arm's length. A prolonged period of silence fell over the room as the phone shrieked instructions, observation, and commands, finally ending with, '_You got that? Right now!' _

'Yes, Ma.' He set the phone down and looked up sheepishly. 'I guess I have to go home now, sorry.'

'We heard', Leonard offered sympathetically.

'Everything', Sheldon added. 'If it's any consolation, some things sounded very unlikely.'

'I'm on your couch.' Howard looked up at Penny. 'I don't know how, but...thanks!' _This is going to make a great fantasy_. He shook his head, trying to dislodge the idea that, just for the night, he would have preferred to stay on Raj's.

Raj drove him home. Left to himself, Raj may have preferred to stay silent, but Howard was feeling a little more awake as the cold night air hit him and was in the mood to chatter.

'So, what'd I miss tonight? Y'all play some HALO? Slow down, Raj, the lights are red.' He looked out the window, distracted for a second. 'There's a new frozen yogurt place; we should totally go there. I heard it's great. How did I end up on Penny's couch?'

The streetlights set dancing patterns on the wet road and Raj narrowed his eyes against the lights. 'You kept falling asleep and sliding down along the couch and Leonard and I had to stop Sheldon sitting on you', he explained. 'I'm sorry. It was hard for me to hold you up. Then Penny came over – she is a wonderful girl, is she not? – and we went to her apartment and watched a movie while you were asleep. I believe Sheldon stayed back and played HALO online. We got pizza but we couldn't wake you up at all, sorry. And you have two strikes from Sheldon for lying in his spot. Sorry. Leonard is going to negotiate a rebate for you at the next house meeting on the grounds of extenuating circumstances.'

Howard rolled his eyes. 'Raj, you don't have to keep saying sorry. You haven't done anything wrong.' He forced the exasperation out of his voice. 'You were great to me tonight', he said sincerely. 'Really. Thanks.'

Raj turned into Howard's road. 'So will you do me a favour, Howard?'

'Sure, anything for you.'

Raj pulled up at the kerb and turned to face Howard properly. 'I want you to forget everything I said to you tonight', he said seriously.

'I...can't do that.' Rain drummed against the roof of the car. Howard shifted about in his seat. 'See, Raj, it wasn't so weird. I mean, there were things that...I liked too.' He looked up at the house and saw a curtain twitch at a window. 'I gotta go; she stares at me if I stay in a car too long. But I'll see you again tomorrow, right? Can I get a lift to work?'

'Really?' Raj sounded hopeful. 'You won't want to rest?'

'Raj, not only is my demented mother in the house but also her four oldest friends. Trust me - the only rest I got tonight was with you.' He slipped out of the car and waved to Raj.

As he reached the front door, it was yanked open from within.

'Where _have _you been tonight; coming back at this time and keeping your poor mother up with the worry?'

'Hi, Mrs Cohen. Sorry I'm late back.' Howard ducked past, trying to hide the stitched cut on his cheek and make a break for his room. He made it halfway up the stairs before he was summoned back with a shout from the living room.

'_Howuud? You get in here, _right_ now.'_

The chorus of shrieks which arose from the living room when he looked around the door set the neighbourhood dogs barking madly. Howard escaped to the kitchen and hastily stole the last cup of coffee in the pot. His mother followed, protesting all the time, catching his chin to turn the cut to the light. Howard slipped clear and stooped over the fridge instead.

'I'm _fine, _Ma. It's not that bad. I'll sort the scooter out tomorrow.'

'Get out of the _way, _Howard; I'll make you a sandwich. And what was so important tonight – ', she waved the breadknife dangerously, 'that you couldn't call you own _mother_?'

'Didn't want to worry you', Howard lied glibly. The phone rang suddenly but neither of them made a move to answer it.

'_You didn't want to worry me?' _she screeched._ 'You were sitting in hospital and you didn't want to worry me?' _ She narrowed her eyes. 'You were _ashamed_. That's why you never tell me anything.' She thrust a sandwich at him.

Howard considered throwing it right back. As he hesitated, a phone was thrust into his hand for the second time that night.

'Jacob from your work for you. Says there's an emergency!'

Howard took the phone, confused. 'Jacob?'

'It's me, Raj', Raj hissed. 'I could hear the shouting a block away. I just thought I'd give you a way out.' He hesitated. 'If you wanted one', he added shyly. 'You can say there's a problem at work or just stand there now and tell me how to fix something. Make it up. If you want to get out, I can pick you up at the end of the street. If you don't want to...' he trailed off apologetically.

_You called a houseful of women just to rescue me? Awww Raj_. The thought warmed his heart.

'I'd better get in at once', he declared firmly. 'This could take all night to fix. See you where you said.'

Putting the phone down, he turned to the assembled houseful of curious and furious women.

'I have to get into work. It's an emergency. I'll get the bus.'

Swinging his backpack up again, he limped to the front door. He didn't think he would make it, but at the last minute there was a distracting shriek of:

'You're letting that boy go out without a yarmulke? What kind of a bad Jew you raisin' here Rebekah?'

Howard escaped amidst the chain reaction of arguments. Fortunately, Raj was waiting where he said he would, and Howard dropped into his car again, gratefully, shaking the rain out of his hair.

'You just saved my life, Raj. I don't know what I'd do without you.'

Raj looked down, embarrassed. 'You're my friend.'

Howard realised that he was still holding the sandwich and attacked it ravenously. 'You know', he said between bites, 'there's no one like you. I mean, that was really brave, calling my house.' He finished it off and decided to be brave himself. 'I think...maybe you and me...?'

Raj favoured him with a very warm smile. 'We could try?'

They didn't speak again until Raj let them into his apartment. Raj shuffled nervously from foot to foot.

'You want to take the bed?' he offered awkwardly.

'Thanks.' Howard dragged himself into the bedroom and flopped down gratefully, stretching out along the bed. Raj took a blanket and pillow out of the cupboard and headed for the couch.

'Uh, Raj? You didn't mean _alone _did you?' He tried to shake the sudden disappointment.

Raj stood immobile, torn between hope and confusion.

Howard tried again. 'I mean, we can talk, right? It's nice just to talk to you.'

Raj lay down next to him, smiling, and Howard suddenly felt lightheaded with relief, confident of Raj's devotion.

'It's great to have someone attractive with me on a bed', he murmured seductively.

'Do you really think I'm attractive?'

'Sure!' Slightly nervous, he tried to make a joke of it. 'Look at you...all bright eyed and patient, and with all that soft fur.' He ruffled Raj's hair.

Raj rolled his eyes. 'You've just described a good-natured sheepdog, Howard.'

He laughed. 'I'll get you flowers tomorrow.' He looked sideways at Raj and realised he was pink with pleasure at the thought. 'Oh damn; I really will have to get you flowers tomorrow.'

Raj rolled over and smoothed out the pillow, hiding his face.

'You don't have to do that for me.'

He backtracked hastily. 'No, no – I will! Honestly, it's nothing. It's the least I can do for you.' He thought about it. 'What kind do you like best?'

'Raj picked at a loose thread, looking up through long lashes. 'Surprise me', he said shyly.

'Raj, saying "surprise me" is just asking for a comedy cactus with a ribbon round it.'

'What's a comedy cactus?' Raj asked suspiciously.

'It's like...one tall cactus and a couple of short cactuses on either side...' he broke off, laughing.

There was a short pause while Raj pictured the cactus in his mind. His eyes widened. 'If you get me that, I swear -' He broke off to think of a suitable punishment. 'I swear I'll tickle you to death', he promised solemnly.

'You wouldn't! I'm helpless.' He tensed, ready to roll away from an attack.

'And you always lose.' Raj pounced, lunging over him, and Howard curled up, laughing helplessly pre-emptively.

'No! No, no, no.'

The expected attack failed to materialise and he uncurled slightly, looking up. Raj was stretched over him on his hands and knees, grinning, but making no moves to attack.

'Not tonight. You're safe here.'

Howard nearly melted with gratitude, relaxing and stretching out again. _Gee, I'm lucky it's Raj. I'd have tickled him to death. I've got to make myself a better person. Maybe I could add it as a New Year's resolution? _He lay back and smiled up at Raj. _Why's he leaning in? What the...oh, are we going to kiss now? Please let me not screw this up..._Raj lowered himself down until their bodies were almost touching and Howard felt the heat between them. They were so close that he could feel Raj shaking nervously. Without thinking, he reached up and curled one hand in Raj's hair, murmuring 'Hey, it's ok...' Their lips touched for a second -

- and Raj jerked away, shrinking back to kneel at the end of the bed, covering his face with his hands. Howard lay back, stunned.

'Raj!' he moaned in exasperation. _Damn! I thought that those "is she going to kiss me, oh no, she's gone" moments were just something girls did to me. _

Raj made a high pitched noise in his throat, slid off the bed and disappeared into the main room.

'Raj? Get back here!'

There was no answer. _Gimme a break here. _He dragged himself off the bed and stumbled through to the main room, holding onto the bed, the door, the table. It was dark in there.

'Raj, where the hell are you?' _Where the hell would he be? Let's try the couch_. Limping over to the couch, he reached over and felt Raj's warm body, tense and tightly curled up.

_It's a start. _'Raj, move over.' There was no answer.

'Come on, shift up. I want to sit down.' Raj silently moved up, making some space, and Howard dropped onto the couch, trying to think where to start.

'Did I do something wrong?' he asked tentatively.

Raj sat up straight, wringing his hands, and Howard immediately gripped his shoulder to stop him from jumping up again, determined not to spend the night chasing Raj around the apartment. The movement opened the floodgates.

'I'm taking advantage of you!' Raj wailed. He threw his hands in the air and Howard ducked swiftly to avoid them. 'You could never do something wrong. This is my fault! You wouldn't even think of this if you hadn't been hit by a car! This isn't right for you. You shouldn't be here with me; you could be out with the pretty girls.'

'Yeah, but...I've never met a girl who treated me better than you do', Howard said slowly. 'And the only lady who'd even give me houseroom tonight is my mother.' He hesitated, but some things were easier to say in the dark. 'I've been turned down by women with seeing-eye dogs before. But you like me...and, and I like you. I mean, I think you're a great person. And I didn't mean to say you looked like a sheepdog earlier. I'm...I'm not used to saying nice things to guys. I mean, you have got nice eyes.'

'Really?' Raj looked up at him, shyly.

'Yeah, 'course.'

'Raj wriggled around to face him properly. 'So, you want to, you know...?'

Howard licked his lips nervously. 'Yeah.'

They curled up close together, Howard wrapping one arm around Raj's shoulders and Raj lightly gripping Howard's t-shirt. Closing his eyes Howard leaned forward, feeling Raj do the same. Their first kiss was gentle and slow, but then gaining in confidence, they pressed in closer together in a fiercer, more passionate kiss. They pulled apart for a second to draw breath.

'You were right, you know', Howard whispered.

Raj leaned in again. 'I know.'


End file.
